As we know, we become attracted to each other for reasons such as chemistry, common goals and values and even as a way of healing childhood traumas and wounds. We find our way to just the right person for these reasons and stay together for a lifetime, for a while, or for just a season. It is this unconscious desire that then has us enter into the dance of intimacy which later becomes the crucible for transformation. In this encounter, both partners have an opportunity to engage together in deep emotional and spiritual alchemy and come through together somehow changed, more healed and whole.
This process is akin to how Nature initiates life, begins to grow and then matures, and finally offers up a fully ripened but unique reproduction of itself-- in the seed exists the vision of the majestic oak and in the cocoon already are tiny wings for flight. And so our own True Nature knows its own depths, the awareness of its purpose and what circumstances are necessary to fully bloom. If we were to simply trust this part of ourselves, we could begin to relax and let go a bit and enjoy the simplicity of life.
The first step is to trust that by simply being aware and present in life is what allows our True Nature to come forth in ways that go far beyond meeting our various needs in the immediate moment. This part of us is in fact a deep knowing that is beyond the mind (and controlling ego) and needs only the space to be and room to unfold.
When we are in a healthy relationship, a trusted Other can mirror back this natural part of who we are so that we can have a deeper, richer experience of our own precious self. Over time this experience becomes a recursive loop for greater depth and being, a fuller and more expansive awareness and richer engaging with life itself. It is this Self that then naturally mirrors back the same to our partner.
This becomes the “greening” of a relationship, in that it allows an organic unfolding of our true selves, our own True Nature, perhaps something even divine. Rather than seek the divine outside of us in a transcendent way, we can begin to have it reflected back right before our very eyes. If this Awareness that exists without judgment, agenda, or control is able to simply be with our Beloved, we then have a chance to grow more fully within ourselves and more organically contribute to the whole, and to every aspect of life. And it can start with where we are right now…by simply taking a breath, being present, letting go of all thought about things and allowing everything to be as it is…in its own True Nature.
Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.
Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.