Me, Myself, and I ~Enjoying Being Alone~

When asked what is the biggest health crisis facing America today, Dr. Mehmet Oz answered in a surprising way. He didn’t say obesity (a big one), heart disease (a deadly one), or addiction (a crucial one) he replied, “Loneliness.” It’s something that we don’t often think about as a problem per se, although most of us experience it either directly or more indirectly as a symptom. Since we are social creatures meant to be a together in close relationships, when those fall apart and we’re left alone, we find ourselves in a very uncomfortable and unnatural state. In trying to deal with these feelings, the familiar addictive strategies of trying to fill or anesthetize ourselves kick in and we risk ending up with some of the above related health conditions/diseases.

Loneliness is multi-faceted and is more prevalent than ever before in our modern era. The strong sense of local community that helped to build this nation no longer exists in the same way, so the place that we could count on for most of our relationship needs is less present, solid, and available. In its place are vast arrays of pseudo connective mechanisms that make it seem like we’re connecting, such as Facebook, internet chatting, texting/sexting, and online dating. All of these attempts to connect give us momentary feelings of gratification but eventually leave us feeling even more alone, isolated, and unfulfilled. It’s then that we’re prone to reach out for ways to fill this real emptiness inside, through food, shopping, sex, drugs, and other stimulants meant to distract us from our deeper emotions of anxiety, depression, sadness, or even existential disillusionment.

The solution however doesn’t come from outside us, although a movement toward creating greater community would certainly be healthy and welcome. It must come from within us. And it comes from learning to be alone with ourselves…with our three best friends: me, myself and I. I remember hearing that growing up and chuckling when my mother said it after her divorce. But when I saw her put it into practice I really got to see the measure of its impact. She learned to go out on her own (this was before women’s lib), something many people even today find hard to do, and create a much more fulfilling life for herself, by herself. That stayed with me over the years. I too have learned to enjoy the pleasure of my own company, to be with myself and to savor moments of being alone.

It’s in being able to be with our aloneness that we can then learn to stave off loneliness, as the two are very different. When we’re able to step back from all the activity and settle down for a little while, we’re then able to more truly get to know who we really are (not who we may have been told we are or should be), what we need, and what brings us pleasure. From here we can mobilize our energies which makes it easier to reach out into our environment to get our needs met. So often in our chaotic lives our impatience has us just settling for people who are not in our best interest, or who don’t serve our higher good and our authentic selves. We end up taking the easy way out, giving in to our anxieties and fears of being alone, and going into unproductive or detrimental relationships that offer little except for some immediate gratification or the illusion of connection. And too often many end up staying for far too long, so as not to have to face being alone, again.

What if being alone, with oneself, wasn’t such a terrifying prospect? What if we could actually enjoy “being” with ourselves, with our own thoughts, interests and pursuing our own unique desires so that we wouldn’t need to be with someone and so enjoyed our own company that we could instead choose to be with someone?

I can still recall one instance of this that totally changed my life and had me know that I could be alone and the world wouldn’t end. It was a New Year’s Eve in my mid twenties shortly after I moved to New York City. I was happy to have a date for the all-important evening when she called that afternoon to cancel. I was crushed and wasn’t sure just what to do, whether I should desperately try to find another date somehow (this was way before Craigslist and Match.com) or to go out to some random bar and try to feel festive.

Not liking either option, I came up with another, which was to celebrate the New Year by myself with myself. So I went out and bought some of my favorite food and drink and as the evening unfolded began to have my own little party, dancing and singing along with the Beatles’ first album and ringing in the New Year happily just with me. I’ve had many New Years since, but this is the one that stands out the most after all these years.

Being able to be with one’s Self is a must for real happiness and a major prerequisite for an intimate relationship. Intimacy is about being self-revealing so it’s necessary to have developed a true sense of self in order to achieve it. We need a solid sense of who we are to come back to after we experience the ecstasy of coming in and out of merging with our partners in the wonderful dance of intimacy.

In my work with single clients who come in to work on finding a relationship or with my couples doing the work of self-differentiation to create a healthier one, I often quote an author who I used in writing my dissertation (C. Moustakas, Loneliness and Love). He says that if an individual simply embraces his loneliness and doesn’t defend against it, it creates a bond and a sense of fundamental relatedness to others. “It’s not the loneliness that separates the person from others but the terror of loneliness and the constant efforts to escape it.”

So much of our suffering today comes from this need to escape, thus creating larger, more serious problems. Perhaps we can instead learn to care for our loneliness and suffering so that we can find within the pain and isolation the courage and hope for what is brave and lovely and true in life. By learning to relax into our being alone with ourselves and serve our loneliness as a way to self-identity, we can start to love from a more solid place and begin to have faith in the wonder of living and the courage to fully live all that life has to offer.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.

Living from the Heart

It’s easy to lose heart today. The world seems more confusing and uncertain as the weeks go by, and it’s easy to become discouraged and start to lose faith. Instead of expanding and offering more of ourselves, which is more our natural state, we instead find that we’re contracting and withdrawing our energies and attention to others including even our love.

Recently I sat on a bench in Union Square Park, busily texting away. I was hardly aware of the man sitting close by feeding the pigeons. I then began talking on my cell paying him no mind but after I was done he spoke to me, “ Hello,,,sir,,,sir” and then said something I couldn’t quite make out, so I ignored him, not wanting any interruption as I again began my all important texting. When I finally was ready to attend to him on my own terms and ask what he wanted (an all too common protective strategy for a seasoned New Yorker), he grumbled something and got up and walked away. The protective stance I had taken, habituated by years of living in the city, certainly saved me from listening to another long drawn out story or being asked for something (usually money) but also caused me to miss an opportunity to connect with a fellow human being, even just for a moment and perhaps offer something of myself. In this case I’ll never know which the better response was, but my attitude, perhaps closed-heartedness, prevented me from having the choice to make. Had I been more consciously living from my heart I surely would have given him the proverbial time of day--perhaps that’s all he was asking for. When he got up and walked away saying, “Never mind” in a somewhat angry and dejected tone, I felt a bit sad since the loss seemed to be clearly mine.

How often do we all let little opportunities pass by when we can lend a hand or perhaps open our hearts a little? Yes, we are constantly being bombarded with stimulus, especially those of us living in the city. And we do have to protect ourselves so as not to get overwhelmed. But there must be some kind of balance so that we don’t completely lose ourselves and yet give when we are capable. How can we not lose heart with all that’s amiss in our world and instead live from the heart more of the time?

Living from the heart is indeed a wonderful expression, as it implies consciously living in a loving way. Doing so can bring a myriad of rewards. It does take some faith and trust, and it needs to become a learned and consistent practice, a habit of sorts. If you’re going to become a truly loving person it’s important to learn to love unconditionally, not just when we’re in the mood. We must start to live from this place where we firmly believe that loving someone can bring more love to both giver and receiver, and that there’s no end to the supply of love. If we can choose once again to return to love we can allow this learning to deepen within ourselves and become a habit to live by. And once a habit’s in place we can relax into the flow of the energy of whatever the activity is: exercising and the wonderful way you feel afterwards, eating healthy and feeling a renewed vitality, and sharing ourselves and the reward of feeling our hearts open to another and the love that connects us all.

We can make this practice come alive by consciously being aware of all the opportunities around us each day to give love. In each of our own worlds we can probably think of ways to give to someone we know, to share some of our abundance with someone in need. And certainly, just by walking down the street it’s easy to discover opportunities to give a smile, lend a hand, or contribute a dollar or two. All of us are capable of so much more, and by simply tuning into the love in our hearts we will know what to do. For me, sitting on a park bench will now be an experience where my awareness is expanded so that I’ll be much more open to reaching out or at least being receptive to someone sitting in my circumference. You might try reflecting on missed opportunities in your life, where you’ve overlooked where you could have made a difference. Instead of feeling bad, look inside yourself and try to discover what prevented you from reaching out, so that you can get to know yourself better and do it differently next time. In doing so you may end up healing something within your own heart that has pained you for some time. You may give up some resentment or judgment you’ve been holding onto or even forgive some aspect of yourself or another that has caused you suffering. By giving this loving kindness first to yourself it makes it easier to give to those around you.

Let’s learn to live from the heart. It is certainly the one thing we can work at doing. And it may be just the thing that if we all start practicing, will transform the world as we know it. This would surely usher in a new paradigm of thinking and feeling where living from the love inside our hearts becomes the accepted way of being.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.

Conscious Speaking

As social beings we have the need to express and connect with others. Talking fulfills many needs such as imparting information, sharing thoughts and feelings, conveying personal meaning, and revealing important aspects of ourselves, as a way to receive reflection. Most importantly we talk to so as to feel an emotional connection with those around us.

How often do we stop to get a real sense of why we are talking (the underlying need) or how we are speaking to someone? So often in our conversations we end up not feeling the connection we’ve hoped for or having more of a one-side dialogue that lacks mutuality. We’re left feeling misunderstood, unappreciated or sometimes ever worse, judged/attacked for what we’ve said.

We might also be feeling hurt, disappointed or deflated but don’t fully register these feelings and walk away feeling unhappy and drained instead of nurtured and revitalized. What we’re truly seeking is to feel ‘gotten’ at some deep level and to feel that what we say matters. Unfortunately, many of our conversations are surface-oriented and superficial. By having more conscious dialogues we are able to share more of ourselves, our authentic selves, which can be both a rejuvenating and nurturing experience. We have given something real of ourselves and have received a clear sense of ourselves in return.

For our communication to be authentic it must be a mutual exchange so that both parties can benefit. There’s a structure to this kind of conversation that can ensure this mutuality consisting of three very powerful components. The first has the listener reflect back or mirror what we’re saying; it’s important to know that we’ve been heard and even more, that it’s registered. For the listener to convey this, they would say back as much as they can recall or the jist of what they heard, with no personal reaction or commentary/judgment, just as a mirror simply reflects. “What I hear you saying is… or, it sounds like what you’re saying is,,,,is that correct?”

After the speaker is done the listener would then try to validate what was heard. “It makes sense to me that you would see it that way…,” whether or not it totally makes logical sense to the listener. Finally the listener would convey a sense of empathy, an emotional understanding of what the speaker was experiencing, “I imagine that you might be feeling….e.g. disappointed, sad, frustrated, relieved, etc.” This completes the first half of the dialogue. Now it’s time for the listener (who has just mirrored, validated, emphasized) to share his/her reactions to what was said, with the other person performing the three steps in return. This would complete one full round of the dialogue.

This manner of speaking is quite powerful and takes only a little practice. And even though in the beginning it might feel a bit awkward or formal, the result is really what we all want to feel in conversing with another, and especially our partners. We truly want to feel heard and that someone’s really listened to what we’re saying. We also want to know that the person can really understand the way we perceive reality by validating our perceptions/logic in some way. Most importantly we want to feel on an emotional level that someone else really knows how it feels to be in our shoes and can share our feelings in whatever situation we’re expressing and experiencing.

This emotional connection can also provide the safety in which to talk about difficult issues, ones that are often very charged and create great emotional reactivity. These intense dramas happen because we’re not listening completely, not really trying to understand another’s point of view and are not able to empathize. When we practice this kind of authentic communication, which emphasizes staying connected over proving a point, the conversation can deepen into more of a felt sense of what each other truly needs and new solutions often arise. Sometimes several rounds are needed, with each one bringing up different aspects or important nuances that were hard to express. Usually, the deeper one goes the closer one gets to the heart of the matter. What in fact happens is that this connection now feels so much safer, allowing one to risk the vulnerability to truly speak from the heart…its desires and needs, its fears and its love.

The first step is to try to be conscious of how you’re speaking. Know your intent and what you want to communicate. Be aware of the immediate effect you’re having on who you’re talking to and make whatever change to ensure your impact equals your intent. Try to remember to speak from your heart, no matter how your head tries to convince you otherwise. Only then will your conversations convey a greater depth of who you are and foster the kind of emotional connection that’s essential to healthy relationships.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.

Conscious Living ~ Conscious Dying ~ Conscious Loving

As we find ourselves in a maelstrom of change such as we’ve seldom seen in recent history, we are now being called to sit up and take notice and begin what we might call a conscious awakening of both mind and spirit. With films like Zeitgist, Home, and the most recent I Am dramatizing the precarious state of human affairs, now more than ever the survival of our planet and perhaps our species appears to be at stake. It is no longer a question of our becoming conscious it now becomes a matter of when. And the longer we wait the more difficult it will be for everyone.

Since the only place we can start is with ourselves, let’s look at what conscious awakening and living looks like. The first step would be to pause and take time to slow down to really be in the present moment. What we’ll find is that we’re really only doing one of two things, either we’re thinking/feeling about the past/future or we’re fully engaged in the moment in a way that all else falls away and our beingness is central. Here is where we’re in “the zone”, the present zone of awareness… of Self and our relationship with those in our lives. By being conscious we then have access to innate potentials, intuitive wisdom, and unused cognitive faculties that are often overridden by our mental muscular effort of getting ahead, of moving forward, and of wanting to make things different (usually bigger, better, more) than the way they are.

This split, this disagreement with reality creates an inner tension that results in the many forms of stress from which we suffer today. Conscious living means choosing to be in the moment, first with the awareness of where we are, what we are doing and what needs to happen next, not just for our own narcissistic needs but also for those in our lives, for the greater good. A Course in Miracles says that “there is only one of us here”, which seems hard to understand. Tom Shadyac’s new movie I Am says it differently: that we recognize ourselves in others--our oneness, because our own mirror neurons can’t help but to feel and react to this organic sameness in others. We’ve been encouraged to “love another like you love yourself” because by loving your neighbor you are honoring and loving the God inside one’s Self who resides in the human heart. And as the film I Am demonstrates so well, it’s the human heart that has the ultimate power to heal all of us as well as our wounded world. Conscious living is truly conscious loving.

Turning to conscious dying, certainly no other tragedy in our modern times strikes us more than what we just saw happen in Japan. It certainly speaks to not only the fragility of human life compared to the absolute power of nature but to the sober fact that our existence as we know it can change at any moment. We tend to live as if there’ll always be a tomorrow, just like the 10,000 Japanese who were simply heading for home after work on that Friday when something unbelievable happened, something that changed or ended life as they knew it. We tend to forget that our life is a gift, a blessing, something that we can never take for granted, however daunting it can seem from day to day. If we were to live today as if it could be our last day, I wonder how different that might be. Perhaps we’d be more appreciative of the little moments of connection and sharing, maybe a little more giving and kinder, and hopefully more unconditionally loving to those around us. The truth is we are all dying a little each day and none of us know when that final day will be. If we become more conscious of the kind of thoughts/words we’re putting out in the world that have their own energy, power and impact, and that the action of love has the potential to save lives and actually give life, our act of conscious dying can become an act of conscious loving. Can we not choose to live and die consciously as a way to consciously love and empower others with the freedom to live, give, and serve as the greatest of mankind did? This is our time, like no other in history. Let’s allow the love in our hearts which is perhaps the most powerful force in the Universe to transform our selves and our planet so as to create what we would all want, a Heaven on Earth.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.

Finding Balance in our Lives

When we think about balance the first thing that occurs in our mind is that it’s equilibrium amongst variables. Our lives are multi-dimensional and they require conscientious effort, especially in times of change. Today perhaps more than ever we are faced with the kind of rapid, uncertain change that makes it hard to maintain proper balance. Although we live in chaotic times we have also been developing over the years more consciousness, self awareness, and personal effectiveness that can assist in finding the balance within so as to create a balanced life out in the world.

Just what are we balancing inside ourselves? Firstly we are comprised of a constellation of selves (sub-personalities) each with separate different needs (i.e. our inner child, rebellious teen, the pusher, critic, etc.). They ideally must act in accordance with the others so as to support our whole self and live together in an integrated fashion so that none ends up overly influencing our behavior and taking us places where we’d rather not go. We have very definite emotional needs in any given moment which create our moods and influence how we experience ourselves in the world. Our physical being needs taking care of so that it can supply the energy for our functioning, creativity and vitality. And of course we have intellectual needs for stimulation, depth and meaning as well as our spiritual need to connect to something greater than ourselves. And lastly and perhaps most importantly, we have the very human need for connection, intimacy and love.

To balance all of the above needs within is no small task, and then we must find the balance without, with the world at large of which we are a part. Here is where we must see our interdependence and recognize that whether we realize it or not we do influence (in some way, shape, or form) everything around us. The world, our world in which we are an integral part, would not be the same without us, as shown so poignantly in the classic film, It’s a Wonderful Life. That being said we would be encouraged to try as best we can to bring our best self forward so as to truly create something beautiful, a Beautiful Life, one that we can be proud of and one that leaves behind the memory of goodness, contribution and love.

Obviously with so much going on, this balancing act can be a little daunting at times. So how or where do we begin? So as not to get overwhelmed, let’s start with where we are right here and now: first with our breath to support our life force energy, next our body and its need for fuel, and then the awareness of our emotions and what we might need to feel integrated and at peace, and finally our mindfulness as to what’s appropriate at any given moment. We can then look outside ourselves to see if our basic survival needs are being met and what more may be required there (especially today) and then on to our commitments and obligations in our various relationships. In doing so we will learn for ourselves in our own way how to prioritize so that each area gets the proper attention, time, and nourishment it needs.

Finally we can draw upon the resources of spirituality, of inspiration, and of the perseverance of the great human spirit that can not only move mountains but have us create lives so much bigger than any one part of us is capable of. In balancing all of the above, if we do it with faith, humility and grace we can create an empowered life capable of contributing to the greater whole and leaving behind a personal legacy of love, having touched those in our lives by demonstrating a life well lived.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.

Awakening Consciousness

Over the past decade as things have sped up, we as a culture have slowly begun to pause and become more aware. We now are taking our health and diet more seriously along with its related impact on our environment. We’re beginning to realize how very interdependent our place is in the world. And we’re starting to see what the great spiritual traditions have known for ages: in order for the outer world to change, our inner world must change first. We are in the long-awaited transition of consciousness in the West, as it’s been going on in the East for many, many centuries. But just what does it mean to awaken consciousness; i.e. what are we awakening from and where are we headed?

When we speak about consciousness, we usually mean the level of awareness we have at any given time, both personally and as a culture. And as one changes at the micro level, so does the macro level reflect that same change, too. In our own history, it was only 150 years ago that it was permissible to own slaves and only 50 years ago that that same freedom movement finally began to inspire and then demand racial equality across the land. And of course even a decade ago the idea of an African-American president was unthinkable; i.e. it did not exist in our collective consciousness as even a remote possibility. We’ve expanded our consciousness as a society. It had to first be realized and expressed individually from within so as to then expand to build the critical mass necessary for real change—and it continues to grow and accelerate today.

Spiritually though, raising consciousness means to expand beyond one’s usual, habitual thought system into something more all-encompassing, less exclusive and more global. It means to recognize that there is truly something a lot bigger than all of us, of which we’re all a part. By connecting to that Oneness, we can feel less alone, more connected to each other and experience a kind of peace that exists without the Egoic thoughts of “me, mine, win/lose” and its concomitant anxiety of separation. This transcendent way of thinking exists not only in ancient Eastern thought but also in the great American tradition of transcendentalists which include Emerson, James, Whitman, and Thoreau. Each of these author philosophers spoke of our being connected as integral parts of the tapestry of life, dependent on each other for our very existence as well as each being necessary to share in the expression of the beauty of what it means to be uniquely human.

We are now in a process of awakening from a slumber of unconsciousness, from the social malaise where we as a culture, having been seduced by the instant gratification of our senses, are now addicted to the immediate but short-lived joys of conspicuous consumption. What’s been lost is the love, respect and caring for each other while the Greed is Good of the 80’s has literally overtaken our moral sense and fiscal sensibilities. Where we must start to awaken is within our own thoughts and minds in order to become Self-conscious instead of self-centered. This means moving beyond current social consciousness into an expanded consciousness of the experience of Love, Peace and Wholeness. We can learn to step out of our old habitual ways of thinking, which feel safe and comfortable, but also leave us feeling unsatisfied, unfulfilled and constantly in some low level of anxiety or dread. So how do we raise our level of consciousness and what is that experience like?

First you start with being aware of your own thoughts, feelings, and desires. By taking the time to go within and tune into what you’re really experiencing you’re able to move out of the usual overdrive into a more neutral state of awareness. If you find that your thoughts are usually focused on fulfilling your solipsistic needs, you might try to stop and direct your attention to those around you and notice how you might serve your immediate environment. Look to see who could use something as simple as smile or a kind word or help with a task and how you might also serve in a greater way by volunteering your time and energies. And in so doing try to notice how differently you begin to feel within yourself, how giving can offer great personal reward as we in fact are really giving to Ourselves. Here you’ll have the experience of positively impacting the world, your world, by starting small and expanding outward. And finally we’ll see in this process that our thoughts are tangible things that have positive or negative energy capable of creating both for good and for ill as well as the power to manifest either our desires or our fears.

Any effective psychotherapy or authentic spiritual practice can help to break through this “unconscious” default pattern of continuing to do what’s always been done despite the limiting or negative consequences, and offer new ways of thinking, being and ultimately loving. Your own intra-psychic transformation will create the kind of interpersonal change that can shift consciousness enough to begin to create a brave new world of the Spiritual Warrior, able to actualize our vast human potential simply by recognizing and affirming our oneness, our sameness, our greatness. Now is the time to really Imagine…it’s the time to Awaken into Consciousness.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.

Returning to our own Vibrancy: Part of a Series on Authentic Relating

When a child comes into the world it’s an experience of absolute discovery, both within and without. They discover all the pleasures of their own existence… their bodies, their capabilities, their developing sense of power, and the natural aliveness of incarnate being. As they grow, their curiosity takes them on many adventures as they learn to navigate the world. With good parenting this journey is encouraged and shepherded with allowance, enthusiasm, and support so that the child learns to command his/her own ship while experiencing the richness of being human. What this means of course is that the parents allow the child to get messy, make mistakes, take chances or risk being good all the time, so that this primal energy of life is not diminished or suppressed and is instead allowed to fully expand. However, many of us were not allowed such freedom and our childhoods have ended up truncated and limited by at the minimum dysfunction and at the worst by every kind of trauma imaginable. So unfortunately the splendor of childhood, the wild delight of opening to all that life has to offer instead becomes something to endure and that unbridled desire for life gets diluted or contaminated by growing up in a psychologically toxic environment. The once fluid mind so full of potential and creativity becomes regulated into fixed rigidities in the psyche and the rules and regulations of conventional society become the expressed means of existence.

So what do we do to raise vibrant children? Paradoxically the answer is “nothing”. It’s not what we need to do, it’s what we need to not do. It’s all the overdriven, controlled doingness of our modern parenting that ends up squelching this natural vibrancy thus preventing the inherent curiosity of discovering life and simply allowing a child to be a child.

Pause for a moment to try to remember some of the days of your own childhood, where a day seemed to stretch on forever, where honeysuckle was the most delicious fragrance imaginable, and every jumble of bushes was a fort in which to play or have a tea party. If you were lucky enough, you were able to play all day and when you got home were welcomed with love and excitement for all you discovered that day. If that is something that happened rarely, I believe (along with many current psychologists) there is a child inside yearning to have those adventures still. And this child, this inner child of ours needs to be attended to so that we can become whole and live full and fulfilling lives.

So how do we find this place inside where this young version of ourselves lives? We still ourselves, go out for walk in a park, by a meadow or a stream, and simply listen. We quiet our minds and listen inside to our hearts. It’s there that this child lives… and by now, usually has plenty to say. Often in the beginning he/she speaks of the pain, the misunderstanding, and the needs that were never adequately addressed growing up. But over time if we’re able to compassionately comfort and care for our little one, something begins to shift and change. Our own adult needs and the way we express them seem to take on less charge and become less crucial, over-reactive or out-of-control. We become more integrated within ourselves, more at ease, less defensive and softer, and our own natural aliveness returns. We find ourselves wanting to be more playful, delight in simple things, and are more readily available for new experiences and to others in our lives. Indeed, what we came into this world with, our natural vibrancy, returns as we start to experience the pleasure of our humanness, our own unique being, and the joy of living life again…in a fresh new way…as a child would.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.