Me, Myself, and I ~Enjoying Being Alone~

When asked what is the biggest health crisis facing America today, Dr. Mehmet Oz answered in a surprising way. He didn’t say obesity (a big one), heart disease (a deadly one), or addiction (a crucial one) he replied, “Loneliness.” It’s something that we don’t often think about as a problem per se, although most of us experience it either directly or more indirectly as a symptom. Since we are social creatures meant to be a together in close relationships, when those fall apart and we’re left alone, we find ourselves in a very uncomfortable and unnatural state. In trying to deal with these feelings, the familiar addictive strategies of trying to fill or anesthetize ourselves kick in and we risk ending up with some of the above related health conditions/diseases.

Loneliness is multi-faceted and is more prevalent than ever before in our modern era. The strong sense of local community that helped to build this nation no longer exists in the same way, so the place that we could count on for most of our relationship needs is less present, solid, and available. In its place are vast arrays of pseudo connective mechanisms that make it seem like we’re connecting, such as Facebook, internet chatting, texting/sexting, and online dating. All of these attempts to connect give us momentary feelings of gratification but eventually leave us feeling even more alone, isolated, and unfulfilled. It’s then that we’re prone to reach out for ways to fill this real emptiness inside, through food, shopping, sex, drugs, and other stimulants meant to distract us from our deeper emotions of anxiety, depression, sadness, or even existential disillusionment.

The solution however doesn’t come from outside us, although a movement toward creating greater community would certainly be healthy and welcome. It must come from within us. And it comes from learning to be alone with ourselves…with our three best friends: me, myself and I. I remember hearing that growing up and chuckling when my mother said it after her divorce. But when I saw her put it into practice I really got to see the measure of its impact. She learned to go out on her own (this was before women’s lib), something many people even today find hard to do, and create a much more fulfilling life for herself, by herself. That stayed with me over the years. I too have learned to enjoy the pleasure of my own company, to be with myself and to savor moments of being alone.

It’s in being able to be with our aloneness that we can then learn to stave off loneliness, as the two are very different. When we’re able to step back from all the activity and settle down for a little while, we’re then able to more truly get to know who we really are (not who we may have been told we are or should be), what we need, and what brings us pleasure. From here we can mobilize our energies which makes it easier to reach out into our environment to get our needs met. So often in our chaotic lives our impatience has us just settling for people who are not in our best interest, or who don’t serve our higher good and our authentic selves. We end up taking the easy way out, giving in to our anxieties and fears of being alone, and going into unproductive or detrimental relationships that offer little except for some immediate gratification or the illusion of connection. And too often many end up staying for far too long, so as not to have to face being alone, again.

What if being alone, with oneself, wasn’t such a terrifying prospect? What if we could actually enjoy “being” with ourselves, with our own thoughts, interests and pursuing our own unique desires so that we wouldn’t need to be with someone and so enjoyed our own company that we could instead choose to be with someone?

I can still recall one instance of this that totally changed my life and had me know that I could be alone and the world wouldn’t end. It was a New Year’s Eve in my mid twenties shortly after I moved to New York City. I was happy to have a date for the all-important evening when she called that afternoon to cancel. I was crushed and wasn’t sure just what to do, whether I should desperately try to find another date somehow (this was way before Craigslist and Match.com) or to go out to some random bar and try to feel festive.

Not liking either option, I came up with another, which was to celebrate the New Year by myself with myself. So I went out and bought some of my favorite food and drink and as the evening unfolded began to have my own little party, dancing and singing along with the Beatles’ first album and ringing in the New Year happily just with me. I’ve had many New Years since, but this is the one that stands out the most after all these years.

Being able to be with one’s Self is a must for real happiness and a major prerequisite for an intimate relationship. Intimacy is about being self-revealing so it’s necessary to have developed a true sense of self in order to achieve it. We need a solid sense of who we are to come back to after we experience the ecstasy of coming in and out of merging with our partners in the wonderful dance of intimacy.

In my work with single clients who come in to work on finding a relationship or with my couples doing the work of self-differentiation to create a healthier one, I often quote an author who I used in writing my dissertation (C. Moustakas, Loneliness and Love). He says that if an individual simply embraces his loneliness and doesn’t defend against it, it creates a bond and a sense of fundamental relatedness to others. “It’s not the loneliness that separates the person from others but the terror of loneliness and the constant efforts to escape it.”

So much of our suffering today comes from this need to escape, thus creating larger, more serious problems. Perhaps we can instead learn to care for our loneliness and suffering so that we can find within the pain and isolation the courage and hope for what is brave and lovely and true in life. By learning to relax into our being alone with ourselves and serve our loneliness as a way to self-identity, we can start to love from a more solid place and begin to have faith in the wonder of living and the courage to fully live all that life has to offer.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.

Living from the Heart

It’s easy to lose heart today. The world seems more confusing and uncertain as the weeks go by, and it’s easy to become discouraged and start to lose faith. Instead of expanding and offering more of ourselves, which is more our natural state, we instead find that we’re contracting and withdrawing our energies and attention to others including even our love.

Recently I sat on a bench in Union Square Park, busily texting away. I was hardly aware of the man sitting close by feeding the pigeons. I then began talking on my cell paying him no mind but after I was done he spoke to me, “ Hello,,,sir,,,sir” and then said something I couldn’t quite make out, so I ignored him, not wanting any interruption as I again began my all important texting. When I finally was ready to attend to him on my own terms and ask what he wanted (an all too common protective strategy for a seasoned New Yorker), he grumbled something and got up and walked away. The protective stance I had taken, habituated by years of living in the city, certainly saved me from listening to another long drawn out story or being asked for something (usually money) but also caused me to miss an opportunity to connect with a fellow human being, even just for a moment and perhaps offer something of myself. In this case I’ll never know which the better response was, but my attitude, perhaps closed-heartedness, prevented me from having the choice to make. Had I been more consciously living from my heart I surely would have given him the proverbial time of day--perhaps that’s all he was asking for. When he got up and walked away saying, “Never mind” in a somewhat angry and dejected tone, I felt a bit sad since the loss seemed to be clearly mine.

How often do we all let little opportunities pass by when we can lend a hand or perhaps open our hearts a little? Yes, we are constantly being bombarded with stimulus, especially those of us living in the city. And we do have to protect ourselves so as not to get overwhelmed. But there must be some kind of balance so that we don’t completely lose ourselves and yet give when we are capable. How can we not lose heart with all that’s amiss in our world and instead live from the heart more of the time?

Living from the heart is indeed a wonderful expression, as it implies consciously living in a loving way. Doing so can bring a myriad of rewards. It does take some faith and trust, and it needs to become a learned and consistent practice, a habit of sorts. If you’re going to become a truly loving person it’s important to learn to love unconditionally, not just when we’re in the mood. We must start to live from this place where we firmly believe that loving someone can bring more love to both giver and receiver, and that there’s no end to the supply of love. If we can choose once again to return to love we can allow this learning to deepen within ourselves and become a habit to live by. And once a habit’s in place we can relax into the flow of the energy of whatever the activity is: exercising and the wonderful way you feel afterwards, eating healthy and feeling a renewed vitality, and sharing ourselves and the reward of feeling our hearts open to another and the love that connects us all.

We can make this practice come alive by consciously being aware of all the opportunities around us each day to give love. In each of our own worlds we can probably think of ways to give to someone we know, to share some of our abundance with someone in need. And certainly, just by walking down the street it’s easy to discover opportunities to give a smile, lend a hand, or contribute a dollar or two. All of us are capable of so much more, and by simply tuning into the love in our hearts we will know what to do. For me, sitting on a park bench will now be an experience where my awareness is expanded so that I’ll be much more open to reaching out or at least being receptive to someone sitting in my circumference. You might try reflecting on missed opportunities in your life, where you’ve overlooked where you could have made a difference. Instead of feeling bad, look inside yourself and try to discover what prevented you from reaching out, so that you can get to know yourself better and do it differently next time. In doing so you may end up healing something within your own heart that has pained you for some time. You may give up some resentment or judgment you’ve been holding onto or even forgive some aspect of yourself or another that has caused you suffering. By giving this loving kindness first to yourself it makes it easier to give to those around you.

Let’s learn to live from the heart. It is certainly the one thing we can work at doing. And it may be just the thing that if we all start practicing, will transform the world as we know it. This would surely usher in a new paradigm of thinking and feeling where living from the love inside our hearts becomes the accepted way of being.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.

Conscious Speaking

As social beings we have the need to express and connect with others. Talking fulfills many needs such as imparting information, sharing thoughts and feelings, conveying personal meaning, and revealing important aspects of ourselves, as a way to receive reflection. Most importantly we talk to so as to feel an emotional connection with those around us.

How often do we stop to get a real sense of why we are talking (the underlying need) or how we are speaking to someone? So often in our conversations we end up not feeling the connection we’ve hoped for or having more of a one-side dialogue that lacks mutuality. We’re left feeling misunderstood, unappreciated or sometimes ever worse, judged/attacked for what we’ve said.

We might also be feeling hurt, disappointed or deflated but don’t fully register these feelings and walk away feeling unhappy and drained instead of nurtured and revitalized. What we’re truly seeking is to feel ‘gotten’ at some deep level and to feel that what we say matters. Unfortunately, many of our conversations are surface-oriented and superficial. By having more conscious dialogues we are able to share more of ourselves, our authentic selves, which can be both a rejuvenating and nurturing experience. We have given something real of ourselves and have received a clear sense of ourselves in return.

For our communication to be authentic it must be a mutual exchange so that both parties can benefit. There’s a structure to this kind of conversation that can ensure this mutuality consisting of three very powerful components. The first has the listener reflect back or mirror what we’re saying; it’s important to know that we’ve been heard and even more, that it’s registered. For the listener to convey this, they would say back as much as they can recall or the jist of what they heard, with no personal reaction or commentary/judgment, just as a mirror simply reflects. “What I hear you saying is… or, it sounds like what you’re saying is,,,,is that correct?”

After the speaker is done the listener would then try to validate what was heard. “It makes sense to me that you would see it that way…,” whether or not it totally makes logical sense to the listener. Finally the listener would convey a sense of empathy, an emotional understanding of what the speaker was experiencing, “I imagine that you might be feeling….e.g. disappointed, sad, frustrated, relieved, etc.” This completes the first half of the dialogue. Now it’s time for the listener (who has just mirrored, validated, emphasized) to share his/her reactions to what was said, with the other person performing the three steps in return. This would complete one full round of the dialogue.

This manner of speaking is quite powerful and takes only a little practice. And even though in the beginning it might feel a bit awkward or formal, the result is really what we all want to feel in conversing with another, and especially our partners. We truly want to feel heard and that someone’s really listened to what we’re saying. We also want to know that the person can really understand the way we perceive reality by validating our perceptions/logic in some way. Most importantly we want to feel on an emotional level that someone else really knows how it feels to be in our shoes and can share our feelings in whatever situation we’re expressing and experiencing.

This emotional connection can also provide the safety in which to talk about difficult issues, ones that are often very charged and create great emotional reactivity. These intense dramas happen because we’re not listening completely, not really trying to understand another’s point of view and are not able to empathize. When we practice this kind of authentic communication, which emphasizes staying connected over proving a point, the conversation can deepen into more of a felt sense of what each other truly needs and new solutions often arise. Sometimes several rounds are needed, with each one bringing up different aspects or important nuances that were hard to express. Usually, the deeper one goes the closer one gets to the heart of the matter. What in fact happens is that this connection now feels so much safer, allowing one to risk the vulnerability to truly speak from the heart…its desires and needs, its fears and its love.

The first step is to try to be conscious of how you’re speaking. Know your intent and what you want to communicate. Be aware of the immediate effect you’re having on who you’re talking to and make whatever change to ensure your impact equals your intent. Try to remember to speak from your heart, no matter how your head tries to convince you otherwise. Only then will your conversations convey a greater depth of who you are and foster the kind of emotional connection that’s essential to healthy relationships.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.

Conscious Living ~ Conscious Dying ~ Conscious Loving

As we find ourselves in a maelstrom of change such as we’ve seldom seen in recent history, we are now being called to sit up and take notice and begin what we might call a conscious awakening of both mind and spirit. With films like Zeitgist, Home, and the most recent I Am dramatizing the precarious state of human affairs, now more than ever the survival of our planet and perhaps our species appears to be at stake. It is no longer a question of our becoming conscious it now becomes a matter of when. And the longer we wait the more difficult it will be for everyone.

Since the only place we can start is with ourselves, let’s look at what conscious awakening and living looks like. The first step would be to pause and take time to slow down to really be in the present moment. What we’ll find is that we’re really only doing one of two things, either we’re thinking/feeling about the past/future or we’re fully engaged in the moment in a way that all else falls away and our beingness is central. Here is where we’re in “the zone”, the present zone of awareness… of Self and our relationship with those in our lives. By being conscious we then have access to innate potentials, intuitive wisdom, and unused cognitive faculties that are often overridden by our mental muscular effort of getting ahead, of moving forward, and of wanting to make things different (usually bigger, better, more) than the way they are.

This split, this disagreement with reality creates an inner tension that results in the many forms of stress from which we suffer today. Conscious living means choosing to be in the moment, first with the awareness of where we are, what we are doing and what needs to happen next, not just for our own narcissistic needs but also for those in our lives, for the greater good. A Course in Miracles says that “there is only one of us here”, which seems hard to understand. Tom Shadyac’s new movie I Am says it differently: that we recognize ourselves in others--our oneness, because our own mirror neurons can’t help but to feel and react to this organic sameness in others. We’ve been encouraged to “love another like you love yourself” because by loving your neighbor you are honoring and loving the God inside one’s Self who resides in the human heart. And as the film I Am demonstrates so well, it’s the human heart that has the ultimate power to heal all of us as well as our wounded world. Conscious living is truly conscious loving.

Turning to conscious dying, certainly no other tragedy in our modern times strikes us more than what we just saw happen in Japan. It certainly speaks to not only the fragility of human life compared to the absolute power of nature but to the sober fact that our existence as we know it can change at any moment. We tend to live as if there’ll always be a tomorrow, just like the 10,000 Japanese who were simply heading for home after work on that Friday when something unbelievable happened, something that changed or ended life as they knew it. We tend to forget that our life is a gift, a blessing, something that we can never take for granted, however daunting it can seem from day to day. If we were to live today as if it could be our last day, I wonder how different that might be. Perhaps we’d be more appreciative of the little moments of connection and sharing, maybe a little more giving and kinder, and hopefully more unconditionally loving to those around us. The truth is we are all dying a little each day and none of us know when that final day will be. If we become more conscious of the kind of thoughts/words we’re putting out in the world that have their own energy, power and impact, and that the action of love has the potential to save lives and actually give life, our act of conscious dying can become an act of conscious loving. Can we not choose to live and die consciously as a way to consciously love and empower others with the freedom to live, give, and serve as the greatest of mankind did? This is our time, like no other in history. Let’s allow the love in our hearts which is perhaps the most powerful force in the Universe to transform our selves and our planet so as to create what we would all want, a Heaven on Earth.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.

Getting in Touch with the Masculine: Part of a Series on Authentic Relating

The Yin and Yang, the feminine and masculine, are part of the all of nature. These energies comprise the duality of life on earth plane and can been seen most dearly in our personal relationships. The opposite nature of each is important in forming the whole (or couple) as they offer the potential for full and complete experience, of self and other.

The Yin is the feminine and represents openness, surrender, receptivity, earthiness, and a container to be filled along with the space within. The masculine Yang on other hand is initiatory, aggressive or assertive, penetrating, and fiery. The feminine is more naturally patient, in the moment, more process-oriented, and open ended while the masculine is more linear, problem solving and solution-oriented as well as expeditious.

We all have both aspects of Yin and Yang, but the extent we developed each in our families is almost as influential as gender. It is not uncommon for instance to see women with more developed assertive masculine sides and men with a more passive feminine sides. Oftentimes this difference serves the original purpose from which it derived (childhood survival strategies), however there are many times it doesn’t serve the original purpose and, unfortunately, can impede one’s growth, maturation, or success in life.

We all know men who somehow haven’t developed the kind of male strength or ability to be direct or confront that would have given them what’s necessary to assert themselves powerfully enough to fully succeed in life. A man’s nature is one of penetration, of breaking ground on which to create, and of taking a stand for survival or justice. Over the past couple of decades men lost the role models of the past (albeit archaic or machismo ones) while newer more balanced or developed ones were yet to emerge. Men needed to in a sense reinvent themselves by coming back in touch with their own essence as nature intended. They began to band together with other men so as to more deeply and directly experience themselves, their organic strength and power as well as learn to reflect back to each other the male aspects they never developed in their family or cultural upbringings or perhaps had been lost in relationships with women. Additionally, since most of western civilization has few or no rites of passage for young men to grow into mature manhood, this absence has been filled with numerous kinds of men’s trainings or men’s work so as help men experience themselves more deeply and fully. Here they learn to trust themselves and each other as they journey through the challenging gauntlet of personal self-development and realization in order to emerge more fully Male.

This kind of transformation is healthy and beneficial both for men in accessing and utilizing their own inherently biological life force energy and for women who will then be able to experience a True Man in his fullness able to meet her in her strength and vulnerability where she can safely surrender and offer up the tenderness and beauty of her unique femininity. This is a very transformative process that allows men to really “be all you can be” and thus have a fuller expression of the primal, spontaneous, zany and powerful energies that make a man a man.


Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship counselor and holistic practitioner in Manhattan. He is the founder of Present Centered Therapies which synthesizes Gestalt and Cognitive Behavioral therapies, Eastern spirituality, as well as Imago and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He brings a wealth of successful experience with a wide range of couples issues as well as down-to-earth wisdom and modern sensibility to what it takes to create healthy, loving, and empowered relationships.

Please visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com or call (212) 799-0001 for more information.